[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
“and how does that make you feel?”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace