[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
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oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.