[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
You Might Also Like
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs