“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
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me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.