[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.