@13spencer: [Airport Bar]
Me: I'll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That'll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
@EricGoldie: I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.
@stevevsninjas: The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
@TitansHomer: How do Mexicans cut their pizza?
With Little Ceasars
*drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*
@QwertyJones3: [Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.
Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
@causticbob: knights of the ikea table