@13spencer: [Airport Bar]
Me: I'll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That'll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
@FuckabillyRex: *during sex
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
@UncleDuke1969: I'm white, but...
Nope. Can't do one of those today.
Look, I'm at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I'm a fanny pack away from translucent.
@david8hughes: [in Walmart]
"Excuse me, do you have towels?"
"Oh, I don't work here."
[leans in close]
"I don't give a shit where you work."
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped u?
"Cuz im going too fast?"
Cop: Yes, slow down.
"But it's been 6 months-"
Cop: U can't move in with her yet.
@HoneyWooWoo: "I love it when we finish each other."
"You mean: other's sentences?"