[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry