[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you