[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
no one ever comes back
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.