Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.