Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
You are what you delete.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.