Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
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Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?