Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
*puts words between two asterisks*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!