Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer