Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”