[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
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I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn鈥檛 believe my luck.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I鈥檓 ready for my comeback
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice馃槶
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
It鈥檚 getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what鈥檚 happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they鈥檒l probably go bad.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”