[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.