[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Guys, I found it.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.