[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’