[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
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You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Does this dress make me look cat?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER