[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
*weighs self after shaving
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
went fishing caught a bass
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.