@TheTweetOfGod: "Al-Qaeda: 'ISIS Goes Too Far'." Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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@zachreinert03: My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: People are coming over tomorrow Me: We should clean today Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours? Me: We should clean tomorrow
@WheelTod: Did you know statistically you're more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife