@TheTweetOfGod: "Al-Qaeda: 'ISIS Goes Too Far'." Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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@Crunk_Jews: People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don't understand the meaning of the word vacation.
@rcromwell4: Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
@xLiserx: My adult coloring book is filled with pictures of people paying bills, washing dishes, & tugging at their belly fat in front of the mirror.