@TheTweetOfGod: "Al-Qaeda: 'ISIS Goes Too Far'." Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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@ohpegah: [my first attempt at standup] ME: So, I was at the gym the other day... MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren't
@DaddyJew: Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was "we really shouldn't be talking about this".
@imence2: 9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn't wanna talk about it right now.
@SINGING_GHOSTS: i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats