“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Word!
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I don’t get marriage
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time