ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
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Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.