Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
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Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Ok but actually
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Am I having a stroke?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.