Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.