If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
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Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.