[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
waiting for halloween be like:
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi