Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
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Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??