Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
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*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.