[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.