Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.