@uccjeb: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you're up. Million dollar idea.
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@agathagotstoned: May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie
@thepunningman: [landlord showing new tenant around] "No smoking allowed" "How about pets?" "That's fine" [dog walks in and lights up] "We'll take it"
@UniqueDude2: my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we've never met
@badbanana: If you tell me you're a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you're referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye's baby.