Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
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Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
this article brought to you by lions
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Okey dokey.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March