Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
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Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Love this one 😂🧟
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
#Caturday
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.