Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.