Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
You Might Also Like
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My therapist after every session