I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
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Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Got ya covered
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
this has done me in for some reason