ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.