Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Oh my God.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner