@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, "So, I was sitting there eating this salad..."
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@TrainedHedonist: Perverts have made it so you can't even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls' college diving team meets anymore.
@hstweetheart: Ariel: "But I love him, daddy!" *sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*
@bobvulfov: [cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill] ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer
@stonedcoldlazy: Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!