I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
They’re called werewolves.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps