Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?