Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.