Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
sigh
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?