(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Finally, an explanation.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.