@Jenniferf42: Alcohol doesn't cause hangovers....waking up does.
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@decentbirthday: judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling me: this is bullshit *from jacket* this is bullshit
@ilovepie84: When I smell weed coming from my neighbors house I call him pretending I'm the Mexican Cartel, and accuse him of stealing my drugs.
@KenJennings: I can't believe "still uses Winamp" is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
@onlxn: TRUMP: I'm gonna lose, huh? RYAN: Yes. [silence] TRUMP: Thank God. RYAN: I know TRUMP: I'd be SO bad at it RYAN: We literally all might die