My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.