My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I have questions??
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea