Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I think my mom just blocked me
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Why font matters.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Finally!
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…