me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.