Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot