Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.