Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
How dude HOW?!
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.